Ain't No Flowers in No Hair in Oakland...

“What’s the best way to San Francisco?”
You might ask. And so did we. So we turned to
Our most knowledgeable companion in terms of
Directions: Nuvi Gipsy.
And she responded:
“Just drive straight through Oakland and
don’t worry about it, it’s not
sketchy at all! Seriously! Do it!”
So we did. Yeah, that’s right.
Have YOU ever driven through Oakland
In a huge truck? Have you ever driven through
Oakland in a huge truck that was towing
An even bigger camper? Did that camper
Have a jumping horse on it?
I didn’t think so.
Anyway, we got through Oakland and over the
Bridge into San Francisco.
Now we just had to find a place to park.
Finding a place to park a 40 foot rig
In a huge city: No problem.
At least not for our good friend Ty,
Because he somehow found us a place
that was literally in front of his apartment.
Good looks, Ty.
It did take some expert maneuvering of
Balto and Esperanza but, seeing how
I’ve become the parking expert,
I handled it. I’m not sure if Dev’s comments of
“you got this, man” were helping or hurting,
but they seemed to have gotten the job done.
Ty lives in a small apartment and
If all of the homeless people that live
Outside of his apartment were to come
Into his apartment for a party, he would have
To buy a shit-ton of chips and dip, and
Even more booze. They probably wouldn’t
Be huge fans of the chips and dip, though.
Or maybe they would…I don’t know. Next
Time I’m in San Francisco I’ll do some
Independent research. Until then, you’ll
Have to wallow in anticipation and, perhaps,
Anger. But don’t get too angry, because I really
Didn’t do anything to deserve more than a
Manageable amount of anger, did I?
No, I didn’t.
That segment of the blog was called
“Justification” and it has been brought to you
by Overnite.com.
After we met Ty we put some videos up on the
Blog and then went to Fisherman’s Warf for dinner.
We walked along Pier 39 and scouted
Some potential background singer for
The new album. They were big and wet
And climbing all over each other. Do with that
What you will, but I will not be a part of any
Inappropriate shenanigans.
I think the word ‘shenanigans’ is so over-used.
But how else can you describe a situation like that?
‘Tomfoolery’ maybe? I don’t know…sounds weird.
Whoever gives me a better (and less-used) word
That bespeaks the meaning of ‘shenanigans’
Wins a Captain Beef. Seriously,
I’ll mail one to you. First Class.
It could be there by tomorrow…Think about it.
Okay, stop thinking about it, because I’ve
Got more things to talk about.
We had our seafood dinner and then
Decided to have a few beers.
We went to a bar called the ‘Rogue Bar.’ Guess what
Kind of beer they serve…
No. Wrong.
They serve Rogue Beer. That was a toss-up.
You guys should work on your guessing skills.
Anyway, the Rogue Bar smelled like you’d expect
A bar full of rogues and other shady characters
To smell like. I half-expected to see Strider
Or some Robin Hood type individual scrounging
Around in a dark corner of the bar,
Blowing smoke rings and basking in his own
Musky fragrance. No such luck. Just an overall
Scent of the inside of an unwashed hockey-bag
After a Bruins practice session combined with
Stale beer. Lovely.
Needless to say, we had one beer and then left.
As we were walking back towards Ty’s apartment
We came upon a bar that seemed too inviting
To pass by. I mean, the sign said
“PBR: $2.00”
Now, I know those aren’t Thai 1 Lounge prices,
But for San Fran, that’s a hell of a deal.
We stayed for a few drinks and laughed
At some people who were playing pool
And failing terribly at it.
Then we played some pool
And failed terribly at it. Don’t laugh,
It’s not funny.
After we left the bar, Ty graced us with one of his
Patented freestyles, in which he not
Only managed to rhyme things that
Had little to nothing to do with each other,
But also publically attacked a woman
And her boyfriend, who was apparently
Too scared to even say anything about it.
Whut. Get at me. Jea, tha’s whut I thought.
Solar Wiiiiind.
After the freestyle we were lucky
Enough to meet a fantastic individual by
The name of Greg Brown. If you haven’t
Watched the video below, please do so now.
I’ll wait.
No, keep watching. Don’t pause after 4 minutes
And say, “how much longer is this gonna go on!?”
Keep watching. No excuses. I don’t care if you
Have to use the bathroom. Hold it in.
Okay, now that you watched it, I don’t
Really think I need to explain Mr. Greg Brown
Any more.
We walked back to Ty’s apartment, but since
It really isn’t big enough to sleep more than
One or two people, we decided
To sleep in the camper.
Plus, Ty had to get up early to go to work
And we don’t deal with wake-up times
Before 10 AM. Deal with it. We’re rockstars.
And by ‘rockstars’ I mean
‘Poor people.’
There were homeless people yelling outside
Until the wee hours of the morning,
Which is a ridiculous expression.
Since when does ‘wee’ mean ‘late?’
Someone figure out the origin
Of that expression and get back to me. I’d
Love to know.
Anyway, we got up the next day and had to
Start making moves towards Los Angeles.
The city of Angeles.

Somewhere between Portland and Klamath Falls
I lost the sheet of stats and I am currently
Too lazy to look up the old blog posts
And stare at a bunch of numbers.
Way too much math involved.
Having said that, here are the stats:

Miles Driven: More than you.
$ Spent on gas: More than you would have to spend
if you were to buy a Ferrari F50 and the guy you were
buying it from was giving it to you for a little
under $1600.
$ Spent on Tolls: San Fran hit us with an $8.10
toll, so add that to the last toll total and KABLAM!
You’ve got your new toll total.
Cities visited: 4. 5 if you count Klamath Falls,
And NO ONE counts Klamath Falls. So, yeah…4.
# of birds obliterated by our windshield: 2
No joke. This one wasn’t after a Captain Beef,
He was just dumb. Come on, my little feathered
Friend...think about it. You’re tiny and fragile and
Weigh a ludicrously small amount. Balto is
Enormous, made of steel, anger, and wolf-tears
And is moving towards you at an average speed of
70 unforgiving M’s per H. Is it really worth it?
That’s all for now.

Love each other…