Vegas, Vegas, the City of Sin: You Never Come Out The Way You Go In

They say
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,”
but I don’t believe in following
rules and regulations. Besides, if some guy
with a TV voice tells me to do something,
98% of the time I’m going to do the exact
opposite. So sit on it, Vegas man.
We rolled into Las Vegas in our 40 foot rig, or
Our stretch limousine, as we like to call it.
We found parking and gave Balto and Esperanza a rest.
They gave us a nod and sent us on our (undoubtedly
Sinful) ways, much like a pair of loving parents
Standing idly by as their first-born children go off
To college. They knew we would do things they would
Not approve of. But it’s a part of growing up,
And they would never want to stunt our growth
Or damage our natural development.
Plus, we put the E-brake on and locked them up,
So they really had no choice.
Side Note: What if parents had E-brakes? Think about it…
We checked in to the Luxor hotel, which is a gigantic
Pyramid. We only got a room for two,
So Dev had to sketchily lurk around the
Hotel lobby for a while. The good thing about Vegas, though,
Is that the hotel lobbies are casinos, so
He really didn’t have to use any disguises.
After we got to our room, Brendan and I went down
To the gym for a quick lift
And then an even quicker exploration of
The pool area. We stayed out in the sun
For about 8 minutes before we realized that
We are both the whitest of whites
And figured we’d do well to go back inside.
Meanwhile, back in the room, Devin
Had taken a shower and spent some time
Sexyfying himself. He looked good.
We came back to the room and thought
We had mistakenly walked into
Enrique Iglesias’ room – that’s how good he looked.
We showered and got some food.
Lady at Pizza Hut in a Heavy Southern Accent: “Well…
We need four personal Pan Pizzas, but we can’t heat
It all up!” Still trying to figure that one out.
Anyone who has any theories, leave them in the comments
Section. I’ll decide if they’re valid.
The Vegas strip is absolutely surreal. Things happen there.
Many things. Not many of them
Are mentionable or appropriate to discuss
In a forum as public as this one.
We saw the fountain show at the Belagio
And then went in to play some slots.
We packed Brendan into a tiny little
Delivery box and had him delivered
Into the safe underneath the casino.
We then rigged up a whole system that
Would cause a bunch of people
To win at the slots and, while everyone
Was distracted, Dev, George Clooney, and I
Snuck down to the safe. Brendan opened the door
From the inside and we stole $600 000 000 in cash.
Then that guy that helped us steal
Al Pacino’s diamonds in the third movie
Came around and was super angry at us
Because he apparently owns the Belagio.
We didn’t believe him and told him
His acting was good, not great.
We played the slots at the Belagio
And got free drinks from an Argentinian waitress
Who looked like she had taken all of the
Best parts from all of the world’s most attractive
Women and seamlessly molded them
Onto her skin, as if by some modern
Plastic surgical miracle. In short, she was very attractive.
Also, she knew we were poor and therefore
Didn’t really give us the time of day.
But she served us a drink and hung around.
Some would say that she was just waiting for her
Tip, but I think she was so drawn to our
Positive energy that she couldn’t bring herself
To leave our force field of sexiness. Make up your own mind.
But make it up to agree with my hypothesis
Because that’s definitely what happened.
We left the Belagio to find a cheaper casino.
We didn’t have to search long.
O’Shea’s is the Irish casino on the strip
And it is basically a total free-for-all.
We played beer pong with some older ladies
And gentlemen, and they were quick to agree
That the loser of each game would pay
For the beer both teams needed for the next game.
Little did they know that we had just graduated
From college with a degree in beer pong and a
Second degree in not losing in beer pong
To a pair of older ladies and gentlemen.
Needless to say, we didn’t pay for beer for a while.
We then met up with some people and did
Some things. No, none of them were illegal.
The next five hours are not important.
Yes, I played a homeless guy’s guitar
On the street, and yes, people were singing
And dancing as they walked by.
Yes, Dev was approached by 3 ladies of the night,
Or ‘professional bed-hoppers’ as I like to call them,
And yes, things were offered.
Did Dev accept?
How much did he pay?
What brand were the linens he slept on? Were
They Hotel Luxury Linens?
So many questions…
Tune in 1 centimeter below to reveal the answers!
No, Nothing, I Don’t Know, Probably Not.
We got back to the hotel and Brendan went
To bed pretty much immediately.
Dev and I, using our heads,
Decided to play roulette at 4:30 AM.
We began slowly, but started picking it up,
Little by little. At one point, we put
$80 on the number 14 and, as if by some
dark magic, the ball landed on 14.
People started to crowd around us because
We were on such a hot streak.
A small Indian man was clapping for us
As we continued to make educated bets in order
To double our money.
We had been playing for an hour and were up
Almost $2000 when the pit boss came over
To see what was going on.
The drinks were flowing because we were winning so much
And everyone wanted to be our friends.
We put all of our money on red and doubled up.
We couldn’t believe it. We jumped up and down
And gave random girls high-fives.
It was AWESOME.
Just kidding, we each bet $40 in $10 increments
And lost everything within approximately 3.4 minutes.
We went to bed.
Vegas: 1
Roadmaps Tour: 0
We got up the next morning, not hung-over at all,
And happily began our cheery and lighthearted
Ride out of Vegas and towards the Grand Canyon.

Here are some stats:

# of Prostitutes that Approached Dev at Once: 3
# of Prostitutes Shut Down by Dev: 3
Things the Prostitutes Offered: Censored
# of Homeless Street Singers Sung With: 2
# of Guitars Played on Street: 1
# of Sing-a-longs played: 3 or 7
$ Spent in Vegas: Infinity

TCOE