Mountains, Valleys, Rainbows, and Jesus

One of the few things that can be considered
To be better than waking up in a Montana valley,
Surrounded by snow-capped mountains and green plains,
Is waking up from a Nyquil-induced super-coma
in a Montana valley.
Anaconda, Montana is a real place. Don’t let anyone
Tell you otherwise. They’re all liars. It exists.
It’s right next to Opportunity, Montana. Can’t make this
Stuff up.
We washed ourselves and threw some breakfast into
Our hungry mouths before we locked up Esperanza
And got back into Balto.
As we continued our trek towards Seattle we realized
That Montana was still beautiful. Yesterday had not been
A dream. Here’s a list of beautiful things in Montana:
trees, streams, valleys, mountains, snow, and big huge rocks.
I realize that doesn’t really sound particularly appealing
To a lot of you, but you’re not here, are you?
No, you’re not. So calm down. Yeah,
That’s what I thought.
We stopped in lovely little Missoula, Montana to eat lunch
(organic burgers again – can’t let ‘em go bad) and to
record some songs inside of Esperanza. We thieved
some internet from the local Holiday Inn
and didn’t feel badly about it at all. That’s how
crazy we are. Take note, people. Don’t be scared
of stealing Holiday Inn’s free wi-fi anymore.
Fear alleviated. You’re welcome.
Dev wanted to jump into one of the little rivers on
The side of the street. I told him to go for it.
Poll: Do you want Dev to jump into a freezing cold river
During this trip? Leave your responses in the comment
Section.
It’s funny how small you feel when a range of mountains
Is towering over you in all directions.
This is probably what the cricket man feels like
All the time. Except dirtier.
Before we left Montana we stopped at the Silver Dollar
Rest Stop. This place has everything.
We went in to get Montana hats, but we almost left with
The following things:
Guns, knives with paintings of wolves on their blades, bear-claws
That you strap on to the back of your hands, brass knuckles with
Knives attached to them, Orc cleavers, Slingshots, and Samurai swords.
I’m not sure what any of these things have to do with
Montana, but I do know that there were about 30 little kids
Running around the store with all of these items.
Either way, we found the trucker hats. Here are some
Slogans that were featured on some of them:
“Huntin’ Deer and Drinkin’ Beer”
“The 2nd Amendment: America’s Original Homeland Security”
“Bubba Rebel” (with a confederate flag)(?)
We decided to take a different approach and just got
Hats with animals on them. The ones on my hat are alive.
Dev got one with the skull of a bison on it.
Solid choices all around.
We got more local beer, including one called
“Pig’s Ass.” I wonder what it’ll taste like.
The check-out girl/lady was very interested in our trip
So we gave her a CD. Her name was Darlene. I
Think she wanted to do bad things to us. We left.
We hit a little rain on the way into Idaho, which
I think is more Idaho’s fault than Montana’s.
I think the main problem with Idaho is that it shares
Way too many letters with Ohio. It’s almost guilty by
Association. Work on that, Idaho. I’ll wait.
Soon after crossing into Idaho we realized that we were
On top of a mountain and out of gas.
We stopped in the next town: Wallace, Idaho.
Don’t go there. It’s really not worth it.
On into Washington and the rain stopped pouring.
We drove by a lookout point and had to stop
To record some songs. Met some cool people from
Vancouver and Portland – handed out some CDs.
Then two girls (I’d say around 16-17 years old) came
Running up to us. “Here we go with the autographs,”
We thought. But we were wrong. They just needed
A band-aid cause one of them had fallen from a horse
Or something dumb like that. We gave them a band-aid.
And a CD.
Moving on towards Seattle we realized that we hadn’t
turned the clocks back a full 3 hours. Awesome.
Instead of being an hour away, we were now two hours
Away. More time spent with good old Balto and Esperanza.
Nuvi Gipsy’s been trippin’ balls lately so we’ve been giving her
The silent treatment. See if that shuts her up. Do I think it will?
No. Am I willing to give it a try anyway? You bet your bottom
Silver dollar.
Now, I live in Maine. Dev lives in New York. Hunting isn’t a big
Deal to us. But we saw a truck at a gas station in Washington
And its bed was full of antlers and skulls. Somewhere a line
Needs to be drawn. The guy came out and apparently, with his
Washington backwoods senses, realized that we were
Judging him. Immediately he said:
“Most of those are wolf kills…”
As if that was supposed to be reassuring.
Now we’re left with a crazy Washington redneck
Who spends his days scouring the countryside
For the remains of wolf kills. Needless to say, we were
Very polite and very quickly on our way.
We saw a biker with a leather jacket that read:
“Bikers for Christ.” As he sped off into the distance
he left a marvelous trail of rainbows behind him.
It was celestial to say the least. Maybe Jesus was a biker.
Who knows? I’m not going to exclude it as an option.
We finally got into Seattle at around 11:30 PM and met up
With Dev’s friends Yuki and Caroline.
Played some music for a while and didn’t even get
A noise complaint. Seattle is gaining cool points.
Watch out, Minnesota – Washington’s coming for you.
Tomorrow it’s off to explore the city and
Probably to record some more music.
We’ll keep you posted.
I’m Martin Earley, Devin’s almost asleep,
And you are the best audience in the world.
Thank you, goodnight.

What? Encore? Oh, I really shouldn’t. No, really,
There are rules.
…Okay fine, just for you…

Here are the stats:

Miles Driven: 3,339.68
$ Spent on Gas: 1011.45
$ Spent on Tolls: 85.65
Cds Given Away: 28
Songs Recorded: 8
Cities Visited: 2
Babies Stolen: 1
Trucker Hats Purchased: 2 (each)
Babies Returned: 0
Text Message of the Day: “Joaquin Phoenix is the
illegitimate lovechild of Rob Reiner and Ohio.”
Congratulations to John.
That is all.