Los Angeles...The City of Angeles

We left San Francisco where we found it –
In San Francisco.
Our route took us down I-5 for a little while,
But we had been told to take route 101. Thanks, Dad.
Route 101 is an inland route. It is not route 1, which is
The road that runs along the California coast.
Once we figured out that we had to get over to route 1
It was almost too late to cut over. But we took a huge
Detour and drove to route 1 in Monterey.
All of a sudden a 5.5 hour drive turned into a
12 hour drive. “Terrible,” you might say,
but if you said that, I would say, “Please,
don’t judge it if you haven’t tried it. It’s not
as bad as it sounds.” The views are absolutely
incredible. Cliffs and ocean, beaches and mountains.
Yes, if you were driving it in a small car
You would feel as if you were just about to go
Over the edge and fall hundreds of feet
To your doom. Did I ever tell you guys we were
Doing this trip in something that is not at all
A small car? Balto and Esperanza were steadfast
And strong. The bravest of warriors in a fierce
Battle against nature. Guess who won. Yeah,
That’s right. We did.
Roadmaps Tour: 1
Nature: 0
We got to L.A. around 1 AM, just in time to pick up
Brendan at the airport two hours after he
Arrived. He’s going to be joining us for the rest of
Our trip, so here’s a quick profile:
Name: Brendan Walsh O’Donnell
Age: 22 soulful years old
Height: A Staggering 5’5” (and 2/5ths)
Instrument of Choice: Ukulele
Interesting Fact: Actually says “Tom-ah-to.”
We drove to my friend Ariadne’s house
In West Hollywood. She was nice enough
To leave the backdoor open and put
Some blankets and pillows out for us.
We parked our 40 foot rig in her driveway,
Which happened to be the only 40 foot driveway
In all of West Hollywood, possibly L.A.
We were very sleepy, so we went to bed.
The next morning we discovered that
Brendan has an incurable addiction to
Starbucks coffee. We tried to find one, but
Walked about a mile in the wrong direction
And ended up at a “food-lab.”
Settled. Got a coffee and started walking back.
By the time we got back we were hungry from
The walk and decided to get some food.
Good thing Whole Foods was nice enough
To open its sliding glass doors to our weary
Feet. If good food were crack, Whole foods would
Be a very successful supplier/dealer. And I
Would be an avid crackhead. Definitely.
We waited in the sandwich line for about 4 hours
To get our sandwiches, but they were well worth
The wait. We walked back to Ari’s house and
Enjoyed our food. We practiced some songs
And met Claudia, one of Ari’s roommates.
Later on we took a cab to Hollywood and
Highland to see the walk of fame, the Kodak Theater,
And the Chinese Theater. We tried
To find the Jimmy Kimmel show but failed
Miserably. Over it.
A short visit to a small music store
Resulted in Brendan purchasing a little ukulele.
The store manager/owner/person who
Sleeps in the hammock in the back room was
A real straight-shooter. Literally. Brendan
Tried to barter with him a little bit,
But once the price was down at $30 the
Man said the following:
“Give me money or I go get my shotgun.”
Needless to say, Brendan gave him money.
The Ukulele sounds like Isreal Kamaoaodkdsokewile
Himself came down from his KFC in the sky
And hand crafted a Ukulele from
The finest of woods before plucking four
Strands of hair from a wood-nymph’s
Glistening scalp and stringing them up
Like an expert guitar maker would
String up guitar strings. Except smaller.
We packed the Ukulele up and went to
A bar down the street for a quick drink.
It was there that we met up with my good
Friend Kenn and his significant other, Katie.
He picked us up in his car and drove us back
To his apartment to drop some things off.
We then went to the Yard House for dinner.
At the Yard House, you can get a half yard
Of beer. Pedro, our helpful server, assured
Us that all of the light beers cost $9 for a half-yard.
Easy decision. “How about a round of Amstel Lights,
Pedro?”
“Sure, coming right up.”
“Thanks, Pedro!” (to each other): “Pedro
seems like a real swell guy!”
After dinner we did what most people do
After they eat dinner at the Yard House: Pay
The check. But wait, surprise, surprise, Pedro
Totally dicked us. The beers were $13.50. Pedro,
It turned out, was not a swell guy at all, but a
Complete and utter A-Hole. We asked for
The manager, who told us she did not have
The power to change the prices on our beers.
What’s the point of having a manager
Who can’t change the prices? Isn’t that
Just a server who doesn’t serve?
Get a real job. Seriously. Either manage your
Employees to know the real prices for your
Goods, manage the prices of your goods, or
Manage your useless self out the door.
That section of the blog was called “anger,”
And it has been brought to you by Captain Beef:
The People’s Sandwich.
After the total disappointment that was the
Beer prices at the Yard House, we went to
A place called Wurstkueche, which is German
For ‘Sausage Kitchen.’ It literally was a kitchen that
Served sausages. And beer. It was a German
Beer-hall/sausage tent. It was awesome.
Our friend Mona Tavakoli met us there
To indulge in some ale and some sausage.
She told us she’ll be playing at the Skywalker Ranch
Soon, and that she already played at Neverland Ranch.
Apparently she just loves playing music at ranches
With famous people. Real cool, Mona.
No, seriously…that is really cool.
The bouncer at the sausage kitchen looked
Exactly like Odd Job from James Bond.
We sang the theme song every time he
Came around. Wonder if he noticed…
After a stop at another bar, we went back to Kenn’s
Apartment to get some sleep.
We woke up the next morning and really wished
We hadn’t.
But we’re warriors like Balto and Esperanza,
And we don’t mess around.
So we went to In-N-Out Burger. Not the best
Of choices, to be honest. Devin’s In-N-Out
Experience will forever be scarred
Because of some minor stomach-shenanigans,
But we all made it out alive.
We then drove up to the hills with Kenn
To record a few songs with L.A. in the background.
Halfway into one of our songs we saw that
We had acquired the audience of a lone male
In a jersey. He was dancing along for a while,
Waited for the song to end, and clapped.
He then introduced himself to us as “Lejon”
And told us that he had been in Pirates of
The Caribbean and the TV show ‘Community.’
We interviewed him and he told us
That he had come to the hill in order
To pee on a tree that he’d been peeing on for
45 years. Needless to say, we thought
he’d dipped his feet into the hash-pool
for a while. However,
we looked him up on IMDB when we got back
to Kenn’s and, surprise, surprise, there he was.
LeJon Stewart. Actor extraordinaire.
Today’s message is: “Don’t judge a book
By its cover.” Unless that book works
At the Yard House and is trying to tell you
That light beers are $9. Then you judge the
Shit out of that book.
We walked down Sunset and found a little
Tattoo parlor to get us some ink.
The tattoo artist, called Danny, had done
Work on Tupac, Usher, P. Diddy, and Eve,
Among others. We met Rome Ramirez,
The new lead singer for Sublime, who
Happened to be getting some work done
at the same time. No big deal.
So what do we do after getting tattoos in L.A.?
Yep, you guessed it. We go to a gay bar.
Brendan got a lot of attention, but
I don’t think this blog is the right
Forum to explain all of that. Just use your
Imagination. But don’t go too crazy with it.
We left, got Carl’s Jr. burgers and went to bed.
In the morning we got our things together
And headed towards Ari’s house to practice
For the show that night. We got some more
Whole Foods crack before heading out
To Venice Beach. We walked the boardwalk
And checked out Muscle Beach. Devin
Was involved in a street performance. Check it
Out in the video.
We then went to Santa Monica for the show
At the Dakota Lounge. We had a pretty good crowd
And our set went well. After
The show we handed out some CDs before leaving
To go to Baby Blue’s. Baby Blue’s is a BBQ place.
It absolutely dominates. In a good way.
We then said our goodbyes to Kenn before
Calling it a night.
The next morning, on our trip to Starbucks,
We found a stray dog. He followed us around for a
While but then we realized that he was a Rottweiler.
So, we named him Thor and took him with us. He lost
Interest in us after meeting another dog,
And we felt it best not to get caught up in
A responsibility issue like that.
I somehow managed to back the trailer out of the
Smallest driveway ever and we were on our
Way to San Diego.

Here are some (meaningless) Stats:

Miles Driven: Over 4’500
$ Spent on gas: not that much
$ Spent on Tolls: same amount
Brendans Picked up: 1
Cities visited: 5
CDs given away: Over 100
$ Spent on things in L.A.: Too many
That’s all. I promise the next blog will be
Shorter.

Take it Easy…