Timber Nation

Portland is an absolute jungle. It’s like
The Outback Steakhouse in a way:
No Rules, Just Right.
About 37 minutes after we parked our rig
We went back to get some things and noticed
That we had gotten a parking ticket.
$ amount of parking ticket: 49.
Reason for parking ticket: Parking in a zip-car
Spot.
Dumbest thing ever: Putting two zip-car spots
Right next to each other without actually marking
Them on the ground.
Either way, my good friend Camden got the people
In charge to void the ticket because it was absolute
Bullshit. I apologize for cursing,
But seriously….grow up.
Portland is full of food carts. The most
Expensive item in any of these carts is about $5.
It’s not exactly the healthiest food, or the best
For that matter, but it does the job for the money given.
We walked around and checked out the Saturday Market,
Which is basically an excuse for all of the most
Ridiculous people on the face of this earth to come out
And share their strangeness with everyone.
I can’t begin to describe all of the different people we saw.
It was awesome.
We played a show at Charlie’s café, but we had to get there first.
While on the bus:
Timid Gay Black Man to Dev: So how long have you been
Playing the drum?
Dev: Around 8 years
Timid Gay Black Man: Oh.
Gigantic person of undisclosed gender: Man I need a bottle
White guy carrying a bottle of Vaseline: I need a bottle of
Peptobismal, my stomach be fu*ked up.
Gigantic person of undisclosed gender: Who’s fault is that?
White guy carrying a bottle of Vaseline: Country Home Buffet’s!
White guy’s large girlfriend: Aw you had that Fish & Chips huh?
White guy applying Vaseline to large girlfriends arms: Nah girl,
I had the fish without the chips.
Gigantic person of undisclosed gender: Let me ask you this one
Thing though…Why didn’t you have none of that mac and cheese?
Later on in the conversation:
White guy applying Vaseline to large girlfriend’s back and kissing it:
Girl, you smell like hash browns.
Gigantic person of undisclosed gender: And YOU smell like
A sushi bar.
White guy applying Vaseline to large girlfriend’s back:
That’s cause I just took a shower at the sushi bar.
Can’t make this stuff up. Seriously.
We got to the venue and set up our stuff.
We had a nice crowd and everyone was digging the
Music. We played a lot of upbeat stuff and some solid
Covers. Free drinks at the bar, courtesy of Miranda,
One of the clear-cut highlights of our trip to Portland.
We asked her to show us around but she
Was quite clearly a step above us on the
Ladder of attractiveness. We’ve moved on.
We got a ride back to Camden’s place after
The show and then went out to the Shanghai Tunnel,
A chill bar on Portland. Had a few beers
And played some pool, met some people
And handed out some CDs. Gay
People are super friendly. Girls who
Think they are more attractive than they are
Are not very friendly at all. Yes, I’m speaking to you,
Tessa’s friend with the black hair. You deserve it.
Cheap beers = good times had.
We got back to Cam’s place and Dev insisted on
Sleeping in the camper. Fine by me.
He said he had a terrifying nightmare about being
Caught in a tornado. He woke up with a train
Passing by.
The next morning we went to get some breakfast.
I’ll give you one guess what we had.
No. Wrong.
We had waffle tacos.
Yeah, that’s right – you heard me.
Waffle tacos.
It’s a waffle, folded like a taco. With pecans and
Caramel in the middle.
Yeah…I know. Perfect.
My friend Caitlin came from Corvallis to have a waffle taco
With us. Good call made by her.
Then we went to the timbers game.
Just watch the videos. Seriously.
Anyone who knows the real football, the
European football, knows what it’s supposed to be like.
Portland’s got their situation figured out.
They know what they’re doing and they do it well.
Things eaten at the tailgate before the match:
Grilled banana with honey, bailey’s, and whipped cream,
Chips, burgers, Jello shots.
The Timbers army is like a big family,
And we felt like we were honorary members
For the day. Great times had,
Even though the match ended in a draw.
Big ups to the Timbers army, Nando, Eric,
Pong, and everyone else we met.
After the match we had to get on the rosd to cut the drive to San Fran
Down a bit. After a 5 hour drive through the mountains
Of Oregon (which are riddled with deer,
Elk, and bears) we arrived in Klamath Falls, Oregon –
Our stop for the night.
We stayed at my good friend Hannah’s house, and
She was nice enough to stay up late to meet us.
Did I mention she made us pancakes in the morning?
Saint status.
Off to San Fran...

Some stats:

# of Miles Driven: 3,884.9
$ Spent on Gas: Way too many
$ Spent on Tolls: 85.65
# of crazy people seen: ∞
# of waffle tacos inhaled: 1 each
CDs given away: 94
Cities Visited: 3
# of shower racks destroyed: 2
Text of the day: None made the cut.
# of additional times we will keep track
of text of the day: Probably zero. This is your own fault.

Love each other.